Navigating potentially awkward queries when in recovery and socialising.
Going out socially once you’re in a good place in your recovery could present some challenges. Perhaps you’re meeting friends, joining a new social group or attending a work event where alcohol is available.
Someone offers you a drink and you politely decline.
“Why aren’t you drinking?”
You might suddenly feel anxious, embarrassed or unexpectedly exposed. Your feelings are valid and in my experience, It’s something that many people in recovery encounter. Research findings suggest that concerns about stigma and other people’s perceptions are a current and enduring issue (3).
So, how should you respond? And why does it bring up such strong feelings?
The honest answer is that none of us can know for certain why this question has the effect it does.
Counsellors shouldn’t profess to have definitive answers. We use theories that may help us make sense of a person’s experiences or point us in the right direction of enquiry, but they are not conclusive.
Each person is unique, and human experience is far too complex to be explained by any single theory.
Belonging to groups and our thought process.
That said, there are universally accepted commonalities in human experience.
One being that humans are inherently social (1). Across psychology, neuroscience and evolutionary science, there is broad agreement that we have a fundamental need to form relationships and belong to groups.
Throughout our evolutionary history, acceptance by a group may have been essential for our survival. In prehistoric times, being part of a group ensured things like safety and security. Therefore, it’s an enduring trait.
Although life is different today, that need remains deeply rooted within us.
Therefore, a seemingly simple question like “Why aren’t you drinking?” and the implications of breaking away from a group’s acceptable behaviour could feel much bigger than it objectively is.
From a psychological perspective, those feelings may relate to what’s happening in the present.
Many of us judge ourselves through other people’s eyes. Being accepted, liked or valued depends on fitting in, avoiding conflict or meeting other people’s expectations. Therefore, we might act from their perceived wants rather than our own.
For others, our strongest emotional reactions could be rooted in the past, especially from childhood.
Many of us have had times when we felt rejected or criticised. We may not consciously think about those experiences anymore, but they can still impact us now.
What can help.
What can help is making sense of those experiences and what they mean to you. Through this process you can identify and challenge ‘conditions of worth’ (3), or the internalised beliefs that we are acceptable only when we meet certain expectations, to discover a genuine sense of who you are.
Alternatively, becoming aware of outdated patterns and making conscious decisions to change them can help us respond more genuinely, rather than feeling driven by old habits.
This is one perspective among many that can inform counselling. Your counsellor could work with you to increase your understanding and develop greater self-awareness, and the choice to make the changes you want to make through the course of therapy.
But what can you do now? Try these mindfulness based practical steps.
Notice what’s happening inside you.
If you feel anxiety, embarrassment or frustration, see if you can simply acknowledge it. You might silently say to yourself, “I’m feeling anxious right now.” Naming an emotion can sometimes reduce its intensity as you stay connected to the present moment.
Bring yourself back to the present.
Strong emotions can make it feel as though you’re under threat. Looking around the room, notice things around you and say them in your mind. Feeling both feet in contact with the floor can remind your brain and body that you are safe.
Alternatively, try these approaches.
Pause before you respond.
If someone asks why you’re not drinking, you don’t have to answer immediately. Take a slow breath in and a longer exhale. Give yourself a moment’s pause to choose how you’d like to respond.
Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Practice healthy boundaries. It’s okay not to explain why you’re not drinking. You don’t need to qualify your decision.
If your internal voice won’t quieten, perhaps think of what you might advise a good friend, if he were in the same situation.
Final thought.
For some people, understanding the issue is enough to start reducing the feeling that surfaces when being asked why they’re not drinking.
Others find these feelings are connected to experiences that are difficult to explore alone. If that’s the case, i offer counselling for those in recovery that may help.
References
(1) Baumeister, R.F. and Leary, M.R. (1995) ‘The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation’, Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), pp. 497–529.
(2) Rogers, C.R. (1959) A theory of therapy, personality, and interpersonal relationships, as developed in the client-centered framework. In: Koch, S. (ed.) Psychology: A Study of a Science. Vol. 3: Formulations of the Person and the Social Context. New York: McGraw-Hill, pp. 184–256.
(3) Walmsley, I. (2026). Coping with the Persistence of Stigma in Recovery: A Qualitative Examination of the Disclosure Experiences of People in Recovery from Problem Drug Use from the Perspective of Modified Labelling Theory. Contemporary Drug Problems.
